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#082; Soft. Quick. Kind of like a habit.

January 20, 2010

Meredith: I almost died today … I can’t, I can’t remember our last kiss. All I could think about was I’m going to die today and I can’t remember our last kiss. Which is pathetic but the last time we were together and happy, I want to be able to remember that, and I can’t. I can’t remember.

Derek: I’m glad you didn’t die today … It was a Thursday morning, you were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in, the one with the hole at the back of the neck. You’d just washed you hair and you smelled like some kind of flower. I was running late, you said you were going to see me later, and you leaned to me, put your hand on my chest, and you kissed me. Soft. Quick. Kind of like a habit. You know, like we’d do it everyday for the rest of our lives. And you went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed.

[2.17] – Grey’s Anatomy

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about decisions and time moving on with or without them. Is it better to have something decided – concrete, a clean cut, business-like – rather than having it evolve in certain other ways. So that you don’t know that the last kiss is the last. So that every moment you spend with a loved one is exactly as we’d want it to be. So that there is no sadness hidden behind goodbye smiles.

I’m not sure. Because a lot can be said for a true break. Closure. Decisions. It certainly seems to be the quickest route to moving on, and has been the generally decided upon route for most of my relationships. But then there’s a darkness that tinges the memories of those relationships, a wary “we know how it ended, when it ended, how you were a bastard or I was just too lazy.” When something ends organically, when you don’t know that your last kiss is your last, or the last time you tell someone you love them is the only chance you’ll ever have again, the sweetness of it just seems to keep a hazy beauty to it.

Does any of this make sense? Has my caffeine not kicked in yet?

What are your thoughts on endings? Are you a decision-maker? A do-er? Or do you go with the flow of things and see where it takes you? I’m trying to learn in 2010, to live more in the moment, not to worry so much about make decisions and planning the outcomes. I’d love your input.

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. January 20, 2010 5:54 PM

    I almost always end things on a friendly note: “Right now, this isn’t working as well as I want things to.” Even when I am certain there will never be another chance.

    • January 20, 2010 6:19 PM

      I’ve gone both ways, and the preference changes with the person. If I want out and know it is not working, the clean cut. If I don’t want out, but the other person does, I try and let them go before the clean cut is needed. That way I keep the friend.

      • January 20, 2010 7:04 PM

        I can see how the relationship itself would dictate which way it ends… Definitely something for me to think about. Thanks!

        By the way – was really excited to check out your blog! Have browsed a bit and will definitely be leaving my thoughts over there later tonight 🙂

    • January 20, 2010 7:03 PM

      That’s a good compromise Lauren. But then, does knowing that it’s going to end tinge your last times together, I wonder?

      • January 21, 2010 8:20 PM

        It tinges things for me, but I try not to let him figure that out. Later, when I get some perspective, when I’ve savored the good memories and eliminated the bad, then I can value the friendship. And the flirtation, and the feeling of “maybe, if I want it again.”

        I like Clyde’s boundary.

        I never do break-up sex. Once, I dumped a guy 15 minutes after sex, though. And after my relationship, we had a goodbye weekend. It was good for me, but really bad for him. Which he didn’t tell me until afterwards.

        But I can understand how break-up sex could be really good.

  2. Emily permalink
    January 20, 2010 8:04 PM

    Well, for some reason I usually like to have break-up sex. =P Softens the blow, somehow, mitigates the feeling of not being wanted. So maybe a mixture: an ending, only because it can’t be avoided, but a somewhat fuzzy/happy one. Only applies in situations where I am the one being dumped (which, historically, is most of the time) and where there’s still mutual attraction (which…is also historically most of the time. I’ve not had a lot of normal relationships). But there are also those situations where a firm ending isn’t appropriate or desirable….yet.

    • Emily permalink
      January 20, 2010 8:09 PM

      Conceivably, there are also the times where the being-dumped is too devastating and final to sleep together again (likely applies in longer-term relationships…again I have less experience here). And when *I’m* the one who really just isn’t feeling it, definitely the clean break.

      • January 20, 2010 9:08 PM

        The idea of break-up sex kind of scares the hell out of me! I can understand how it might help with real closure and confidence, but wow, I think it would just screw me up! Then again, I think – in like, a serious relationship – if someone didn’t want me anymore, I would find it weird to sleep with them. Like, almost be repulsed by the thought, because if they’re ending things, doesn’t that mean they want (or have already had) other people?

        So much to think about!!

        Thank you, hon, I hadn’t really taken these sorts of situations into account, and as I’m trying to form my philosophy on the subject I’m excited to get as many different perspectives as possibly!

  3. January 28, 2010 11:11 PM

    Good food for thought. I can’t speak on the break-up sex, I’d never do it personally, but everyone’s different. I haven’t been dumped or dumped anyone in a while, but my philosophy is no matter how bad an end may be you should be the better person. For instance, if someone cheated on you, don’t cheat back–what does that solve? I think whether it happens organically or a decision is made, there are consequences to either action. And while one may end something organically, the other person may think it didn’t and vice versa.

    All in all it depends on the circumstances of the relationship and being humans, there are so many factors and emotions that come into play that lead to an organic end or a clean cut end. I’m more of someone that goes with the flow, but at some point the situation could call for a decision and you have to be ready for that.

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